What Brain Surgery Left Behind with Rebbeca Morse

Rebbeca Morse: 00:00:00

I didn't know that the personality change had kicked in. I had no idea. I couldn't see it. Everybody else, I think, probably thought I was completely, completely bonkers.

David Brown: 00:00:14

What was life like when you were young?

Rebbeca Morse: 00:00:18

When I was young, I was adopted. And so life was with my adoptive brother and we grew up with parents who were very stable, ordinary, etc.

I didn't know, but I had a febrile convulsion as a baby, 10 months old.

David Brown: 00:00:43

And what's that?

Rebbeca Morse: 00:00:44

It's where my mother later years told me that I got very hot, ended up in hospital and had a lumbar puncture and that was the end of it.

David Brown: 00:00:55

Okay.

Rebbeca Morse: 00:00:56

I didn't know literally until I was in my late 40s that I was living with uncontrolled epilepsy.

David Brown: 00:01:03

Wow.

Rebbeca Morse: 00:01:03

So that's. So my childhood going back to that was knowing that something wasn't quite right.

And through early teens having what I used to think were deja vu's inverted commas at school and seeing a situation happen but knowing I had to do something else. And that was an aura. And I didn't know that my adopted mother, they didn't know. My father didn't know.

And so I went through my childhood having seizures without knowing. And when I went through puberty, it got worse. It was related to hormones. So, yeah, so my childhood was. That was going on in the background.

And as we mentioned, when I met you, as soon as I was 16, I wanted to ride a motorbike. So I got myself. My father helped me buy a little Honda Express Deluxe without the pedals. Right?

David Brown: 00:02:07

Yes.

Rebbeca Morse: 00:02:09

I bought helmets.

David Brown: 00:02:10

So that was important. It was really important because you didn't need a moped. No one wanted to ride those.

Rebbeca Morse: 00:02:16

So when I was at school, you know, I was 16, I had it and I had a big L plate stuck on the back and it was bright orange.

But yeah, so my childhood was sort of a little bit, sort of up and down because I didn't know what was going on with my brain and I didn't know I had scarring in my brain because of seizures.

David Brown: 00:02:32

Right, okay.

Rebbeca Morse: 00:02:33

So that's quite crucial. So, yeah, I started riding a moped and then at school, wasn't really academic, but I knew I enjoyed art and music, etc.

And when I was 17, I learned to drive, but I didn't have a car, so I bought another motorbike, little Suzuki Hundred. The A hundred blue one. And I remember then riding around with massive helmet and plastic jacket and pants just to keep dry and thinking what is.

What is this? But. Yeah, but.

So going through school and then I met my husband, who I knew he was in the area where I lived, I knew of him, and we ended up getting together because he rode a motorbike. He had a Triumph T120 with a sidecar. And so he would come into the petrol station that I used to work at on the weekends and I'd fill up the tank.

And so, yeah, I knew him, got to know him. So pretty much a simple childhood, if that makes sense.

But, yeah, and sort of coping with how my brain worked, I think, at the time, not knowing what was going on. So that's pretty much it. And, you know, went to high school and then went to art college after doing sort of A levels, which I just scraped through.

Yeah, yeah. So that's it.

David Brown: 00:04:02

So that's one of the things I was curious about. Had you always had the seizures? So what was that like growing up, having to deal with that as a child and a young adult?

Rebbeca Morse: 00:04:14

Yeah, it made me feel a little bit different. The auras that I know now are part of having epilepsy for me were, oh, gosh, something. You know, I could see it.

I could see something happening and I knew I had to do something else. But not knowing why, I found that the time of the month I would come home from school, the school would call my mother and she would go. So there was.

And I didn't know what was going on, but I knew there was something that made me a little bit different because I wouldn't always be as quick as other students. And often I just carried along. I didn't really have any. I knew I wanted to be an artist.

I knew I could draw and put everything out and I played a flute.

My father, my adoptive father, my mother bought me a flute and I went and played in an orchestra, but I think I was probably just coasting along, if that makes sense. And the seizures, they were getting worse, but I didn't know. And it was sort of, oh, well, it's just something that's happening, a funny turn.

And that is something that I used to then think when I was in adulthood and was working, that I had had a funny turn. And I used to write that in my diary, you know. So, yeah, so it was. It was.

In a way, I was just living with something that steadily got worse and worse and I just coped with and got through, if that makes sense. Yeah. With all the life and jobs and moving, etc. Yeah.

David Brown: 00:06:13

And when you say they got worse, how often Were they happening?

Rebbeca Morse: 00:06:18

Well, I think when I was teenage, 16, 17, I knew once a month, as a woman has a period, they tied in with that, which is what I know now. So that's when I would feel. I wouldn't feel right and I would come home from school.

And I think at that time with going into puberty and my mother was. Was unsure of what was going on.

So it was, you know, just one of those things I would have to adapt when, you know, it came to the time, which I now know is a time to be more aware of the hormone fluctuating and then having a seizure. Yeah. So, yeah. And I think I just sort of lived with it and I would take risks that I didn't know were risks. And that began.

I met my husband and we got married. And by then I was riding bigger motorbikes. I had an, er, 500, the Yamaha 500. And, yeah, it was cool.

And then he had lots of motorbikes, but I think it was a CB600, a trail bike. And I remember when we were going out with each other, we took off and went down to the coast in Dorset and then the kickstart lever came off.

So he was quite sort of. He was quite wild and quite sort of capable, and so he sort of wedged it on and then we carried on going. So I just. I just went along with things.

And it wasn't until we then got married and then we had our daughter and the climate society was changing, we had a recession, we'd bought a house together. So again, during that time, I knew I was having something, something would happen, but I would just live with it.

And we almost lost our home when the recession happened in 89, 90, had a new daughter and my husband grew up in Zambia as a boy and his parents were expats and he said, we're going to South Africa. I was like, okay. And just like that. He was a builder and, you know, there was a time where we. He couldn't find work and it was getting pretty tight.

So we managed to sell the house, what we bought it for, and all the renovations, et cetera.

David Brown: 00:09:00

That was good then. Yeah.

Rebbeca Morse: 00:09:01

op of the cupboard and we had: 1500

Didn't come into power then, so he left and I had a baby and I just went along with it.

David Brown: 00:09:23

So he left you here?

Rebbeca Morse: 00:09:24

He left me in England, yeah.

David Brown: 00:09:25

Right.

Rebbeca Morse: 00:09:26

I went back to live with my parents for six weeks.

And I remember that was the day there were no mobile phones, there was just a landline and he would call and I remember my father saying to him on the phone, if you don't stop telling my daughter, she's got to get over there, she won't come. I then left six weeks after with a newborn baby. My parents took me to the airport.

I was 24 and I can actually remember being dressed in a summer dress and having my daughter on my hip with my bag saying, come on, we're going to see Daddy now. No idea where I was going, couldn't make it up and my parents sort of just waved off. And then.

So for the next how many years, that's when the seizures were happening. Because life was really stressful, starting again with nothing. Moving in with friends of my husband's parents because my.

His parents died young, so he was on his own, but that was the connection. And then we bought a motorbike, I think it was Suzuki 550. And it was a very battered or thing.

So he started working for a building company, a big building company called Concord Holdings, Literally the last minute before we were going to come home because he couldn't find a job. He got a job. We had this motorbike. So I'd work a day shift.

I'd go on the motorbike and work a day shift and had a lady that used to look after Charlotte. And then he would come home and I'd go again in the evening on a night shift riding a motorbike.

It seemed crazy behavior, but that's just what we were doing to start off. But I knew when we had established ourselves and when I was. I got a job as well. We'd got our permanent residency.

The time of the month I used to wobble in the road. That's what I used to call it. The seizures, the auras were happening a lot, but it wasn't something that stopped me from doing everyday stuff.

I was just lucky that I didn't fall down and lucky at that time that I didn't cause injuries in, excuse me, my brain injury. And it's only. Only when I was diagnosed officially. I could have killed somebody over the years and I could have killed myself.

So it was a bit of a reckoning. But, yeah. So the time in Africa was the time of growing up doing crazy things.

My husband was unfortunately diagnosed with cancer and it was literally within three days. He was diagnosed on the Wednesday, on the Friday, he was having a kidney Removed. He had a tumor on the left hand side of his kidney.

His left kidney, yeah. And up until then he was working so hard. We were working hard.

David Brown: 00:12:21

Were you still in Africa then or

Rebbeca Morse: 00:12:23

were you in Africa? Yeah, we were in South Africa, in Joburg. And he used to complain that he had a sore back.

So, you know, and again, the job, you know, we were very successful then. He had a great bunch of guys that used to work with him. I had a really good job working for a high end boutique. Retail. I was an illustrator.

't use a computer. No, I mean: 1990

We had apartheid, we had the elections and life was really good. Life was getting. And then my husband had cancer in 95, 96. He said, we're going home. And I'd met, because I was adopted, I knew my mother.

I'd met my mother when I was 18 and her brother was living in South Africa. So my Uncle Frank and his wife were sort of my family. And I remember my Uncle Frankie saying to me, let him go on his own.

we packed up in the November: 1996

96, which is when I read. I wrote a diary every day till now. And snippets in those diaries of, my gosh, what we're going to do. You know, we were.

We had bought a plot of land to build a house and then all of a sudden we were coming back. So. Yeah, and I think then we had. Life got tricky, life got stressful. We came back to England and I said.

I remember saying to him, if you're going to make us go back to the uk, I want somewhere nice to live. Because we'd go back to where both of us lived before, where he was born and where my parents were. I said, I want a Citroen car.

And I said, you've got to get a good job. So he made arrangements and got a job. We went back and stayed with my parents and then found a house to rent and we got a Citroen car.

We got a Citroen vx, which was. Which was a heap of junk, actually. And, you know, he went straight to work. He came back, we landed, we had a really precarious route home.

And my father just said, are you sure you're coming home? I said, yeah, we're home. Got rid of everything. And so that was another start of another life. Yeah. And we had two really good years.

We were going to buy a house. I got a job for a big finance company where I was commuting.

Charlotte had already had care in South Africa, as we do, so she went to preschool and she went after school, bless her. She was only six. And those two years was when I was seriously having seizures and started to think actually the chaos was happening and so was this.

David Brown: 00:15:38

Had you been diagnosed at all? So you just didn't go to the doctor? You just thought, this is just how I am. And that was it.

Rebbeca Morse: 00:15:46

And it literally was. Then in: 1998

And I remember he and I, he came to me at work on a motorbike. He bought himself a Triumph. He bought the first Triumph Sprint. That came out okay.

David Brown: 00:16:15

Yeah.

Rebbeca Morse: 00:16:15

And I don't know whether he knew, but he came to me and said, the doctors have called me back. I went, okay. Because in South Africa, the care was incredible. You had to pay for it. We had medical aid in the uk, it wasn't like that.

So we had to fight for him to get a scan. Anyway, they said they wanted to see him. And honestly, I think now I have this phase where you couldn't make it up.

We went to the hospital and the oncologist sat us down and said, it spread to your lungs. There isn't anything we can do. Go out and live your life. Only they had asked me first. I would have said, don't tell him.

He'd bought this big motorbike and he quit his job as a foreman, as a building company, and wanted to become a dispatch rider.

David Brown: 00:17:07

Right.

Rebbeca Morse: 00:17:09

So for. Maybe he died in: 2002

In and out of London, he worked for pony dispatch. He'd go to Scotland carrying bloods. So my situation with epilepsy, I was having seizures at work. I would end up going into the quiet room.

I wasn't sure what was going on, but it just wasn't on the radar. And then he died. And then I continued on my bonkers journey of not knowing what I was doing. My daughter was suffering because she'd lost her father.

She was only 13. And then I thought, as I had family in the States, we used to send Charlotte on her own with Bertie and Atlantic Airies as an unaccompanied minority.

I remember when I sent her over to Orlando, she was 15. And I thought, where could I go? And I applied. Not then, but a year later, because my daughter has. She was going through some problems.

She was angry, she was trying to grieve. I didn't know how to help her. She was. She was going through some very tough times. So I, at that stage, wasn't sure what I was doing. Numb, numbness.

And I said, you either go in the army or you go and pack bags in Tesco's because you didn't want to finish your A levels. She didn't want to go to university or whatever, she said. So we literally went to Hereford Army Careers office. And I said, I'll buy you an outfit.

I was still working full time, still working in finance, and within six weeks, my daughter was going into the army.

David Brown: 00:19:07

Right.

Rebbeca Morse: 00:19:08

Not a decision now that I was very proud of, but at the time, I think I didn't know what to do and I didn't know what to do with myself. And at the same time, I applied as cabin crew for Virgin Atlantic Airways. So I was 37, two years after my husband died.

And I remember driving to Reading and thinking, okay, I've got to go to Crawley for an interview, for a day interview. I just thought, what am I doing? And I went for this interview and I knew. I knew I was going to get the job. It's bizarre.

I just went there and it was like being on the X Factor. We had to. There was a role play. In the morning, there were 12 of us, and then it was lunchtime, six of us. They said, Six of you.

And then there was a pause and they said, I'll stay. And I was one of the six. And at the end of the day, they said, why? Why do you want to work for Virgin Atlantic Airways?

I said, well, my daughter's flown with you. And they said, would you want to work for anybody else? I went, no. I drove home thinking, what have you done? Honestly? Because I got the job.

They said, welcome to Virgin Atlantic Airways. So then my daughter went for her training, army basic training, 14 weeks. I wasn't allowed to take her. She went with a warrant, a train warrant.

She came Home seven weeks later. I then was in my training as cabin crew at Cawley. At the office, I stayed with my brother who lived in Brighton.

And first of all, I went in the car on a Monday morning. I left my daughter on her own at home. She was getting ready to go for her training, so she wasn't quite 17. And I'd come back on a Friday.

And one of the crazy things was that my brother lived in an area of Brighton where parking was really bad. I realize now there must have been some serious problems with my epilepsy at the time, because I would one day go out and think, where's my car?

Somebody stolen my car. Because I was getting confused. And so then I came home and I had a motorbike. I had a CB, Honda 600.

I then rode on a Monday morning to Crawley, did my training, went back to my brother's, stayed there all week and rode home on a Friday night. That's where I was saying I was going to. I was causing myself some issues. But not knowing six weeks training, it was tough.

Charlotte then was in her basic training in the army at Parbride. I got my wings and waited from the April till the July to have my first flight. We were all excited. I went to New York.

That's when my daughter went into the army. She passed out. And I was so proud of her. She was a combat medic, so there was a situation where I was flying. She would come with me if she could.

She passed out and went into her medical training as a trauma medic at Keogh. And I was having seizures. I was waking up for a flight and I would have a headache. I would have a wet pillow. I would think, okay, okay.

And I remember saying to my gp, please let me carry on. Okay.

David Brown: 00:22:41

So did you know at this point?

Rebbeca Morse: 00:22:43

No.

David Brown: 00:22:44

So they still hadn't done any testing or anything?

Rebbeca Morse: 00:22:47

Nothing. Nothing.

David Brown: 00:22:48

And did the airline know?

Rebbeca Morse: 00:22:49

No.

David Brown: 00:22:51

That's crazy. So you never had a seizure while you were flying?

Rebbeca Morse: 00:22:55

I was on my, you know, I was on my familiarization flight where you don't work your shift. And I don't remember it, but I woke up, I'd fainted because dehydration was a major thing.

We had to drink a liter of water every hour or so because we were long haul only. So New York was the shortest flight. Six hours out. I should have known then, but I didn't and nobody thought.

So I carried on for the next year and had to wake up half past three to do a Barbados. So I'd have to get up and go half past four, I'd have to drive to Heathrow. I'd have to get the Heathrow bus to Gatwick. Do my.

So I was a ticking time bomb.

David Brown: 00:23:43

For me, that's like the most unbelievable bit. Is it? You were just. You were just kind of like, well, that's just how it is. So I'll just. I'll just carry on.

I mean, it's amazing that you did that and it's amazing that nothing happened through all of that.

Rebbeca Morse: 00:23:58

Wow.

David Brown: 00:23:58

Because you could have. I mean, particularly on a bike and everything. I guess looking back at it now, you're just kind of like, what was I thinking?

Rebbeca Morse: 00:24:04

But exactly. Yeah.

David Brown: 00:24:05

But I totally also understand how it was just. That was sort of business as usual.

Rebbeca Morse: 00:24:10

Right.

David Brown: 00:24:10

So you're just kind of like, oh, well, I'll get on with it. Could you tell when a seizure was coming? Is that what the aura means? I don't know what aura is.

Rebbeca Morse: 00:24:18

Auras are. Oh, yes. When you feel an absence seizures where it'll be 12 o' clock and then you'll think, Gosh, that was four, what happened?

Time would go, right now, my seizures when I was flying, because a. For example, I would get down and I do know I loved the job. I loved it so much, you know, interacting with passengers.

You know, I'd be absolutely shattered. And I now know that epilepsy, especially my type of epilepsy, you get tired. That causes extra warnings for having a seizure.

Well, I'd do in Orlando and sometimes I'd go and see my uncle who lived in Orlando. I'd come home. I then probably wouldn't sleep for 36 hours. I'd get home, I'd drive home and I would make sure everything.

Take all the clown outfit off, you know, and then I think I'd have a fit and I just. And it was only when I. And this is quite hard to say, but I carried on and I met somebody online and I was still flying and I commuted.

They lived in France.

They told me I had a seizure and they called Dr. And I can't remember anything about it now, but I retired from working for Virgin Atlantic Airways, classically at the right time, because I was going down a rabbit hole with. With not feeling right because I moved to France.

David Brown: 00:26:01

Right.

Rebbeca Morse: 00:26:02

So I moved to France. I didn't know. But again, it was a very unsettled time.

And this is where I think now I was on a roller coaster ride of over potentially being a train crash. My daughter had transferred to the Royal Air Force. She wanted More clinical training. So she did her training again.

I was completely out of the picture and just living day to day. And I remember coming back on a flight from France.

I didn't work, but we were sort of running like a small holding etc and I came back and I was at Pratti Airport and I got a text message because phones were, you know, we had phones then. And I'd been dumped by text message by this guy and I was coming home for my daughter's 21st birthday and I went, okay.

And I got back and I went back and he said, no, this can't go on.

So all of a sudden I didn't have a home in England, had no home in France, and I had to go and stay with my daughter, who part of this story is where she really is the most important factor, because I came back to England, had to live on a military base at RAF Bryce Norton with my daughter. Still didn't know I had epilepsy, still having seizures. But she had to then take on this mother that had made another mistake.

I was either allowed on base or off base. I wasn't allowed to wander around on my own. There are certain passes. But I did right. And I thought, right, what am I going to do now?

So my daughter was trying to do her job and I remember saying to myself, okay, okay, you can do this.

And I saw lady magazine and there was a position going for free accommodation in Oxfordshire because that's where Bryson Orton is in lieu of a few hours housework and looking after the dog. Now, I had dogs in France, Irish wolfhounds. So I applied for this position and my daughter said, what are you doing?

So I got an interview and I made my daughter wear her number two uniform. Number one. Sorry, number two. Come with me to. It was like a millionaire's row. And it was Lord and Lady Newton. My daughter was immaculate.

I was just, you know, it couldn't be more bonkers, really. But he said, they said, yes, you know, this is our dog, Bryn. Look after our dog. A little bit of housework.

It was a beautiful mansion with lovely grounds. And he said they wanted references from everywhere, which I could give at the time. And my daughter.

And I remember him saying to me, he said, rebecca, he said, I need references because you could wipe me out. And I said, yes, Lord Newton. I said, but you could also lock me in a cupboard. And I moved in. I moved in.

I didn't have to do anything apart from look after the dog and then I could settle. My daughter, I think, was relieved this time. Is actually very important because I then began to live another life. I took the dog for a walk.

I was going out and about and then friends of Lord and Lady Newton wanted something to look after there dogs. Had two dogs. He was big in it. He had a red Ferrari with I think red 67 and. But it didn't matter. But I went there to house it.

It was a hoff house made of glass. The reason I mention it. Yeah, yeah, I went there. I woke up in hospital for some reason. And this is where my daughter is. Is very important.

She has this sixth sense. She came to see me. She was at Bry. She came to see me. I was having multiple seizures, awake seizures for the first time. She called 999.

And I woke up in the hospital in Oxford at the John Radcliffe.

David Brown: 00:30:24

Right.

Rebbeca Morse: 00:30:26

That's when my life changed and I was 46 years of age.

David Brown: 00:30:30

And before we go to the next step, which is the surgery and everything that came after that, I assume. What do people not know about living with seizures?

Rebbeca Morse: 00:30:46

That's a really good question. Because looking at a person, you'll think they're a little bit slow. Or I would get very tired. I would sometimes forget things.

At that time, I didn't know that my scarring had already damaged my brain. So my memory wasn't very good. And I think nobody knows. You can't see it. And so it's, you know, I now carry a card with me that says I have epilepsy.

So, you know, just to let me recover, etc. And this is where my daughter was fantastic because she just seemed to know what to do. We look as normal as anybody else.

And yet there'll be times when it'll be, are you okay? You know, and it's that appearance where, you know, you'll not be quite right. And that's when. And there are different types of epilepsy.

I didn't know I have. Right. Temporal lobe epilepsy. So, yeah, we can just. And it can be. It's a hidden disability, I think.

And epilepsy probably hasn't really been brought into the forefront like it is now. It's incredible now. And I think that was something which is where I am now.

It's taken me 11 years to deal with my situation and living with epilepsy because I still live with epilepsy even though I've had brain surgery, of course.

David Brown: 00:32:22

Yeah. That's incredible that it took that long for someone to actually figure out and diagnose properly what it was that was happening.

So then what were the options. What did they say to you at that point?

Did somebody say, okay, this is getting out of hand and you really need to do something and we have some options? Or was it still a long time before that happened or what. What happened next?

Rebbeca Morse: 00:32:51

It was quite quick. I went into hospital. I say, my daughter just knew. And then they scanned. I had a brain scan.

And that's when they picked up the scarring on the right hand side of my brain from having seizures all the way through my life. They then said, we will be able to give you some tests now.

We'll do mri, we'll do a CT scan, we'll do a PET scan, doctor, to see if I was a candidate for brain surgery.

David Brown: 00:33:19

Right.

Rebbeca Morse: 00:33:20

To remove the scarring. Because by that time they had put me on epilepsy medication. And those two years, the first year I was a zombie. The medication was really heavy.

I was living not too far away from my daughter. My landlord and my employer knew they were very good. I was just living with them still. And the journey began of being a candidate for brain surgery.

And it took two years. Those two years were a bit of a blur. I just remember not feeling very, very well at all.

ause I was successful. And in: 2014

By that time, I was just numb. I didn't know who I was or what I was doing. So I.

David Brown: 00:34:32

You were still looking after the dogs and you were able to.

Rebbeca Morse: 00:34:35

Yeah, still looking after the dogs. I was just. Yeah, in no man's land, however, during that time, because I knew I was going to have brain surgery. That's when my most.

I won't say ridiculous decisions, but I thought, okay, I'm going to have brain surgery. I might not live having brain surgery. So I then. My daughter was a trauma medic. She was based at RS Bryce Norton.

I would go to a motorbike dealer and I would hire a motorbike and I'd go and see her at Western on the Green, which is where she was a medic for the paratroopers. And she'd go, mother, you're on a motorbike. I was going, yep. I would do the most crazy things because I thought, I'm going to have brain surgery.

Probably shouldn't have been doing it, but I was doing it. I went to Thailand, my Daughter said, mum, you know, do you want to come for Sunday lunch? I went, no, darling. She went, why?

I said, I'm going to Thailand on Friday. I'm not joking. I went, met my friends in Bangkok who were on a. On a Gap holiday.

So I was doing things recklessly and up until the day, two days before, actually, my daughter and I went to the hairdresser. I had my hair shaved off and she took me in for my surgery.

And I remember the night before, and I think she took a picture and I just thought, this is it. So I'd gone to Thailand, I'd ridden motorbikes. I did a parachute jump.

I went to Western on the green and one of her trainers was doing a parachute jump. I said, can I do one? And they went, yeah. I went, how long's the training? He went, 15 minutes. My daughter must have been going, what the hell is this?

Because I did that parachute jump.

David Brown: 00:36:18

So was that you making peace with that?

Rebbeca Morse: 00:36:21

Was me thinking that.

David Brown: 00:36:22

Thinking that you might not come out

Rebbeca Morse: 00:36:24

of this, I might not survive this, and not really knowing or understanding what I was doing and what was going to happen. Signed all the paperwork, yeah.

David Brown: 00:36:32

And did they tell you that you might have random side effects?

Rebbeca Morse: 00:36:37

They didn't know the side effects. You know, I'm meeting my surgeon who, funny enough, I saw him the day of my surgery in the morning. He came past me in pushbite lycra.

He couldn't have been more laid back. And I thought, he is going to operate on me.

David Brown: 00:36:57

And, you know, was that good or bad?

Rebbeca Morse: 00:36:59

I just, you know, I just looked at him and thought, well, he is so laid back. Extraordinary.

David Brown: 00:37:05

That's what I would want do, you know, I would want the guy that's completely casual and like, this is no big deal. I'm just gonna show up and do my thing. And then I've got a golf appointment later this afternoon.

Rebbeca Morse: 00:37:14

You know, he was. And I did. I remember saying to him, because some of the things I forgot what I said to him. I. He said, you know, this is what we're going to do.

And I said, well, I'd like an IQ of 136 and I don't want to speak Russian. I don't speak Russian. So I remember that. I don't remember, actually, although it's a bit blurred. I had my brain surgery. My daughter was there.

We called my mother to come. I don't think she knew what was going on, to be honest.

My daughter was, you know, the rock, because I had my brain surgery and the recovery was slow and she took me back home. I had a month of literally doing nothing because they don't.

David Brown: 00:38:00

Were you awake or asleep for the surgery?

Rebbeca Morse: 00:38:03

I was asleep, but they do wake a patient up. They woke me up halfway through to see if I could talk, et cetera. I don't remember anything of it.

And because I had a right hand side, I was on my side and the surgery was eight hours. And, yeah, I don't remember much. I remember being a little bit in pain afterwards, a few days afterwards, weeks, thinking.

And my daughter must have taken me home. I remember being at home, still living in the residence of my landlord. But they had a very nice coach house, so I'd moved in there.

So I was paying them rent. And I remember waking up one morning and I thought, my pillow's wet because I had stitches and they'd taken my hair away.

And I called my daughter and I said, charlotte, I said, mummy's hair's a bit wet. Okay? She said, do you know it was a Sunday? And she came over, she went, looks a bit gunky to me. But she was so matter of fact.

And I do remember her calling the Minor Injuries Unit. And then I remember we were in the car, we were going straight to the hospital and I'd had a cerebral fluid leak.

I'd got an infection that I didn't know about. So as an emergency, we went back in and there was a team of surgeons, they said, we're going to operate on you tonight.

At that stage, I do remember, they couldn't get a line in. So my daughter had to sort of say to them, you know, they couldn't do it in. In the end, I think it was my neck or my groin, I don't know.

Anyway, I then don't remember because it was my birthday as well. I remember eating ice cream on my birthday.

David Brown: 00:39:51

Right.

Rebbeca Morse: 00:39:51

I had the same surgery again. I had a wash. Wow. Flap cut, whatever they call it. Yeah. Resection.

David Brown: 00:39:59

So they had to reopen everything.

Rebbeca Morse: 00:40:00

They reopened everything. Yeah.

David Brown: 00:40:02

And go back.

Rebbeca Morse: 00:40:02

Yeah. That's when it wasn't very nice.

David Brown: 00:40:06

Right.

Rebbeca Morse: 00:40:06

And I don't know what my daughter went through. My mother wasn't there and I remember waking up and I think it was a few weeks before. I think I came out a bit too early. I didn't feel very well.

And, you know, my daughter in her car took me back to where I lived and I remember sitting in the car saying, I can't go in there. She drove me to where my mother was staying on holiday in Devon, just

David Brown: 00:40:31

like That I have a couple of questions, but the interesting one, I think, that comes to mind is that. Do you think that her becoming a medic was somehow related to growing up with you, with seizures?

Rebbeca Morse: 00:40:45

Do you know? Again, that couldn't be a more appropriate question because I don't know why. Sometimes things happen.

And I know I've mentioned this before in my life where, you know, I've lost my husband. If there is a God, I don't know. But things I believe happen for a reason, good things are not so good.

So I do, for some reason, my daughter, and she's had a tough time and I. And I haven't, you know, since the next stage is when I, you know, which I would explain. She has had to and has been there and has saved me.

She saved me twice physically. She saved me twice, you know, from, you know, And I think emotionally the journey for her as a medic has been tough.

Yeah, and it got tougher because I recovered physically. I was able to walk again, I could talk again. My daughter brought me home. I was staying with my mother.

And within three months, before three months, I said, well, I'm going. I didn't attend the psychology, the clinical psychologist appointments.

I think I went once because there was nobody to tell me or grind me because I was on my own. My daughter was serving. I took off, literally in a car. I went down to Cornwall. Don't ask me why, but my grandparents lived in Cornwall.

I went down there, I came back.

There was a house for rent, and I moved everything, packed up and moved to Cornwall to a small village called Polpera in East Cornwall, just like that. And that's when the crazy journey started. And it hasn't stopped and it is still going. And I moved everything. I made my daughter move down.

I remember seeing her at the door. She must have thought, what the hell is going on? What is this woman doing? And I lived there for the second year.

So I was three months after surgery the second year. I mean, I didn't work properly, haphazardly. I was on this. The euphoria, which is a brain injury, a brain surgery and brain injury thing was extreme.

Literally within weeks, I had said to my landlord, I'll make you some loose covers for your. Yes, Rebecca. And I made them. Don't ask me how I made them. I just made them. And also, I had got to know the national brain appeal.

So I was drawing, but I took off. I took off to Cornwall. I had no plan, no script. I didn't know what I was doing.

And then two years in, in: 2016

Yeah, everybody else, I think, probably thought I was completely, completely bonkers. And so I got involved with that. I met, I made these costumes. I. I hosted the whole Polperro music festival on stage because they asked me impromptu.

And I thought, how can I do this? I thought, chris Evans. Copy Chris Evans. Then the depression hit. It hit me hard. So hard I thought I was going to die. So what do I do?

February, the following year,: 2016

I moved. Packed up everything and moved to Scotland and literally had won because it's this. I bought a car. Halfway up. I went on the sleeper train.

David Brown: 00:45:08

Nice.

Rebbeca Morse: 00:45:08

And I stopped at Canusi and I bought a car. It was a battered old Ford KA with an mot just about to run out. But I tell you, this, this euphoria, this roller coaster ride was. I was on.

I was on the big, big roller coaster ride now. Yeah. And so I started working at this five star hotel. I had nowhere to live. They had a cottage that was a little bit away, had this car.

And I was doing maybe 40, 50, 60 hours a week. I was taking a big risk because I was having seizures again.

David Brown: 00:45:45

I was literally about to ask, were you still having seizures?

Rebbeca Morse: 00:45:48

Yeah. They came back. I thought when I'd had my brain surgery, I'd been fixed. And a lot of brain surgery survivors will say the same.

I was so grateful and I kept on going. And I remember one morning, I remember showing my daughter the photograph. So again, she must. She was still at Brides Norton or Northolt.

I had a bruise on my chin. I bashed my face and I went outside and there was a dent in the bonnet of my car. I couldn't tell you what happened.

And I then thought, and I had nobody. I would speak to my neurologist at the John Radcliffe, and we have a lovely relationship. But Dr. Adcock, she was a darling.

She'd say, rebecca, where are you? I say, I'm in Scotland. Okay. She'd say, you need to come down for a checkup.

And I would take the train down from down to London to Oxford for a checkup. I then, in the chaos, met somebody online who Had a motorbike, had a Ducati monster came to see me, wanted me to be their princess.

Within six months, I moved and I went to Altrincham, Manchester with him. I'm telling you, it was just the most chaotic time. At that time, my daughter had met her. Then her husband and I part owned the house.

He wanted me to run his business. But I soon realized, and I think that's another point where with all the changes, the gut instinct and the intuition kicked in. And that has.

I've never had that so. So much as I have now. My gut instinct was telling me, something's not right here. He.

And you're only hearing it from my side of it, but he was coercively controlling me. I was running the business for him, had a very nice sports car. But I thought, hang on a minute, something's not right. So I had to then manufacture.

And I knew I was having. I knew things weren't right with my brain. I decided I was going to get out. And I literally, in between all this matters, my mother passed away.

So I went down to stay with my mother for the six weeks. My adopted mother, and she died. And I went back to Manchester and I thought, I've got to get out. And I could.

So I literally put a pin in a map and thought, where shall I go? I thought, well, I was born in Tunbridge. I'll go to Tunbridge. And I packed up everything and I moved down to Rolvenden and started again.

And it was another time of thinking, what am I going to do now? It wasn't long before the danger that I had put myself in.

The relentless, impulsive, reckless decisions which I now know after meeting other brain surgery survivors, that I'm not alone. I wasn't able to hold a job down. I thought I'd work for Costa. I was working for Costa, the local Costa. I would have had the whole store reorganized.

I was being so out there with all the customers saying, you know, helping them do this, do that. The extreme behavior was really becoming a problem, but I couldn't see it.

And the manager of the Crosses said, she actually said to me, she said, be quiet, shut up. I mean, the footfall carried on. It was amazing, but I was getting myself way out of control. But I couldn't see it.

And it was then again a bit of a blur because I'd worked at Costa, couldn't really do that. So I quit because, again, I didn't realize that my recall memory had been damaged. So my recall wasn't good.

But doing Things in the moment, without a script. Perfect. So I. Then the GP said, we want to have a talk with you. I mean, okay. And I'd also. This property that I had, I wanted to redesign.

It wasn't mine, but I invested thousands of pounds because I could, because I'd inherited some money on making it quiet. And I realized then I had. There were things that weren't right with my personality. I was becoming sensitive to noise, I was forgetting things.

I was behaving out, getting away with behaving quite outrageously. And the GP said, there's something wrong. And they put me forwards for a brain injury charity called Headway, which became Brains Matter.

st woman came into my life in: 2019

She came to see me and she must have looked at me like she has other clients and thought, how has this woman got this far without actually killing herself? Because I was at the stage, I had no money. I spent all the money and giving it away. Impulsive behavior. I was drawing, I had no food in the fridge.

I had made this beautiful home. And she came to me and she looked at me and she went, okay, how are you managing? I had no idea.

But, you know, it didn't bother me because I didn't think anymore. The next time she came to me, she bought me a tin of beans, whatever, you know, And I was thinking, why are you doing that?

I had created a beautiful garden. I spent, you know, I'd spent £15,000 on this property. And she went, okay.

So she came into my life once a week, trying to ground me, pulling the brakes on this racing car. So drawing, that was my vocation. I got a job working in a school where I could work and work in the moment.

I blagged my way through and I started to realize when some of my students, I looked after, boarding students, I did arts and activities with them. And one student, I would say, call them their name. And then about 10 minutes later, I'd say, what's your name?

I'd go, miss, you saw me 10 minutes ago. Something wasn't right. Something was happening. So I carried on working in that job.

And then again, the restlessness came, the extraordinary impulsiveness, and I moved. I said to Sarah, if I stay here, I'm going to die because the noise is just too much. So I knew then I had a problem with noise. I moved down to St.

Lens on sea, just like that. She came with me. No, no, sorry, I'm Jumping the gun. I moved to Tenterton. Very lovely barn conversion.

iating. That's when again. So: 2020

ugh lockdown, stayed at home.: 2021

The noise almost killed me emotionally. I was distraught. And she said, we've got to get you out of here. So again I said, I want to go by the sea. She went, okay. And we moved.

She moved me to a flat rather than a house in an area of St Leonard's which was previously known as Crack Den Street. When I moved there, it was Benefit street, two bedroom flat. And that was it. She moved me in and she still then came to see me.

And I moved into an area where only now and it's only literally I've been in my current house two years. Three years ago, I met my clinical psychologist from Sussex Hospital and he for the first time made me realize that I had a disability.

I had a brain injury post brain surgery and he began to ground me again. There were two people that came into my life and he came into my life, Dr. Jimmy, I can't remember his surname.

And he would call me once a week and we would talk facetime. And he gave me sort of a motto which I've made into a piece of art actually. It said stop, think, act.

And I am still learning now 11 years after having my brain so doing all of the madness afterwards to stop, think and act. Because during that time living in St Leonard's on Sea, I was able to draw the drawing that you see behind the homeless.

The area I lived in was full of loveliness and grittiness. The haves and the have nots close together. And I didn't have. I don't have a filter anymore. I don't have any fear anymore.

The grittiness that was on my road was extraordinary.

The ambulances that would come up and down, the temporary housing, the gangster that would drug gangster would turn up in a car and stop bashing on people's windows, whatever. And then one night there was screaming, shouting coming across my road, honestly, as if somebody was in Sirius and I could hear it.

I was the second floor up, so I could hear it and I could see somebody Was behind a high wall, but they were screaming. I go out, I'm on this side of the road. I say, you okay? And they said, I can't hear. I said, you all right?

Because I'd got to know the homeless community again because I just talk to anybody. I went across the road. He said, come across the road. I can't hear you. I did. I said. I said, where are you staying? Have you got somewhere to stay?

I can't remember exactly what he said, but in retrospect, a neighbour was videoing it. Thank goodness, because this person was high on crack. He said. I said, you want. You know, can I help you? Can I use your toilet?

He said, I didn't think. I said, okay. So the video shows him jumping over the wall. It's a high wall comes into the building.

And I realized then, because of this, no filter actually might not be a good thing. So I then knocked on my neighbor's door downstairs and said, this gentleman would like to use the toilet. And my neighbour looked at me and went.

The guy went in. That's when the guy was putting his trousers down. He was kicking off. I thought, oh, what have you done now?

So I go to run upstairs to call the police. And he's there. He's come upstairs. He's behind me. And I was two floors up. Again, not thinking. I go for my landline. He's in. He shut the door.

He's locked the door, tried to call the police. He texts the phone. And then, because he's so off his head, he's in the hallway and he's. I'm just trying to.

Again, the brain injury, not having this panic, but just thinking, actually, something's happening here. He went in. I said, you can. This is the bathroom. He had his hand down his chugging bottoms. He was playing. He then hugged me. I was like.

And I remember, think I can see it now. I think I might be in trouble here. And he had it in a bear hook. Within seconds, my neighbour was at the door and the guy left and what have you.

I called the police. Do you know? That's how lucky I got.

David Brown: 00:59:39

It's a good thing you knocked on the door.

Rebbeca Morse: 00:59:43

Exactly. But again. And it wasn't until after that situation that I had to really think, hey, there's something going on in my brain. And it wasn't until.

Because another year went past, and the guy. I had to see, the guy in court, he'd been in remand. And I looked him.

Do you know, I even wrote a letter to say to him, it's not his fault, because he was off his head on crack. I then had to start looking at myself and going, you gotta stop. Think, Act.

And Sarah, who was still with me at the time, said, you gotta get out of here. Cannot stay here any longer. And it was at that time that I had to, then again, own up, accept that I needed some help.

And from there, I was advised, and with the help of Sarah, and again, I looked in lady magazine. There was a retirement flat going in Tunbridge Wells. She said, you need to go for it. I went, okay.

And so two years ago, we moved me to this retirement complex where I have accepted who I am. However, if this story has got a continuing, I have jumped into my most challenging environment. And this is where now it has started to cost me.

My personality and my seizures are at their worst. And if I don't do something now, I will die. And so the drawing has become huge. The words.

Because my escape is to get away from where I'm living and sit down and I draw, I write. I write every day. And the words are my ticket out. Because I have really.

I finally realized after all these years that where I am is because of not accepting and dealing with who I have become. And my neurologist said recently, again, 11 years on, she said, when the air. When the brain is exposed to air, air gets into the brain.

She's right, because I have to be very careful. And I am more aware than ever of making mistakes but getting myself into trouble.

However, there isn't a happy ending yet, because if I stay where I am, although it's creating wonderful work, and it's now given me a timeline of when I'm 60, next year to move. But I'm doing it without that impulsivity. But there has to be something out of all this chaos, the positiveness.

I've got to have a purpose to get out of there. And that's where all of my poems and drawings have continued. There's a title. You couldn't make it up. No, you couldn't make it up.

David Brown: 01:03:25

It's crazy. How is your life different than how you thought it would be after the surgery?

Rebbeca Morse: 01:03:32

Oh, God. I have. I couldn't. I couldn't tell you how. It's a complete polar opposite of who I was.

I met a lovely man a little while ago who was part of Brains Matter. He used to go to Brains Matter called Simon. He was a TV presenter. He was living his life. He had a catastrophic brain injury, had an accident.

He is a mirror image of me and he now lives in sheltered accommodation. And he was one of Sarah's clients. He causes chaos, or did. And I met him. He's the most outgoing, beautiful human being, but he's a train crash.

He's lost everything. He had his own business, you know, everything, and then bought art and what have you.

And so when I met him, I couldn't believe, looking at him, that there was anything other than a lovely person. So I am that person. I am. I am not me. And I.

Through the National Brain Appeal and doing the Letter In Mind exhibition, I met a lovely lady called Lisa Upton who'd had awake brain surgery two years after me, down to the center of her head. She had a husband, has a husband and children.

When she had her brain surgery, she literally wanted to change the world, but she had a husband to ground her a bit. She then she worked high up in banking. She couldn't do that. She couldn't concentrate. And that's the thing, concentrating can be a bit tricky.

She now has a wonderful program called Euphrenity. And she did TED talks.

And I went to one of her talks when I was in Manchester and I saw her stand there talking about the recovery after having brain surgery and how it changes a person. And without her knowing, her mother had brought her sister along and a friend and they stood up and Lisa wasn't prepared for that.

And her mother said to her, I don't know my daughter anymore. She's a different person. Lisa was like. And then her sister said, my sister's a teenager again.

And there are times when my daughter over the years has said, mother, why do you keep using your brain injury as your narrative? But, you know, something happened.

And even though I've got an intuition, I've got a gut instinct, don't tell me how that's happened and don't tell me how I create these or don't tell me how these words happen or. But something massively changed. And it's only by meeting Simon and all his stuff ups that I've realized I've made some serious stuff ups.

But I'm still here. But I think I finally learned my lesson. But, yeah, I am that person before brain surgery is not the same person I am now. And it takes.

It's a lot to live with it sometimes, which comes out in what I write now, I think the poetry. Yeah. Yep. Couldn't make it up.

David Brown: 01:07:07

Are you okay with the person you are now?

Rebbeca Morse: 01:07:10

Oh, Now am I okay with the person I am now? The person I am now, or the person who is isn't afraid of anything will just. Just knows things Just knows and says things when they.

When they know they're right not as in right but knows when I don't know when somebody looks spot on and puts things together that's happened. So I like that bit of me.

I like the way I like to give back and I've given back when I haven't had a penny and my brain injury lady used to say to me you've just given that person £10 something over. Yep. Have you got 10 pound? Nope. So.

And I like that sign of me that has got the empathy Although I care but I don't care because that emotion's gone and I've written one piece actually which might bring all of the information I've given you together because I had a birthday and I took myself out to a restaurant and during that time I wrote a poem and I was having my meal that pretty much sums up.

David Brown: 01:08:39

Is this the. When I'm 90 or no? Oh, a different one.

Rebbeca Morse: 01:08:42

Yeah, it is the one which isn't always easy to read but it's another day Here we go Another day In my crazy world I don't drive, I walk I take the bus and I talk to a stranger sitting next to me A new face to gaze into their eyes A new smile to remember or not Today is a good day in my crazy new world I'm awake and not asleep I'm taking a trip into town to enjoy my daily cortado coffee and take myself wandering around to sell my flute I no longer play an impulse buy the other day and then I'll get a bite to eat again so many faces, so many people so many of those that have and those that have just nothing Walking towards me I can in a bag smoking something dangerous A DWP giving them a hand and me question mark Living on fresh air yes, really looking like a proper lady Dolly all dressed up Boutique clothing and oh yes designer style makeup done and funky hair it's just a mirage A show for everyone to see an act to face the crowds the daily 24 hours slowly in the mornings no money, not again why surely it will be better soon One day please when my brain is clear I'll tell God if there is one He's a miserable and selfish sob if there is a God I wonder when I have 50 pence left in my bank and a tin of chickpeas in my cupboard and one banana and a box of cereal and a pint of milk slightly sour Life with an injury an unexpected change after two brain surgery operations, opening my head has changed the way my brain works, my thinking and my way of being. My head hurts. Who am I now? Crazy. I feel a different person, an imposter in my body, A zombie in a costume who looks a lot like me from day to day.

What an adventure. A dangerous liaison with the rational of life and how to remember what happened five minutes ago. And it comes back so clear to me.

And then off the moment goes again. Bugger, bugger. How will it end? In my crazy and mad world of living life like a racing car drive at 100 miles an hour.

I jump in and out and scream and shout and feel so sleepy I could stay in bed all day. How's that? Hey. I walk a lot, I smile a lot and feel the need to give all my money away to the homeless and anyone else I know.

And I have some cash, of course. Why is that? Who can say? I just don't know. And what a phrase to say out loud. I just don't know. I have emotion. Don't we all?

I can care for a cat and say hello to dog and feel butterflies for a sexy man. I'd really like to snog. An actual relationship is another bumbling muddle. I feel no emotion, no connection.

I cannot remember after each day seeing a face touching a body and the feeling of love. It just isn't there. Just isn't. Fair. Art is my thing.

I can draw so well and it's therapy to feel peace away from reality, from hunger and money and noise and the everyday being. Where does it come from to paint and scribble and the rhyming words from inside my brain. Without thinking, I can't say how or why it works.

It's a wonderful way to talk, to sit and watch, to express myself with words. And it's new and beautiful. And here I am showing you a bit about my new self.

The words flow, my head is full of pictures and color and I love giving back in illustration and drawing my stick people with rhyming poems. Oh, what a whack. How and why and I don't know is the only way for me now where it comes from? It's in my brain.

The trauma, surgery operations, the injury, whatever. I'm me and it's how it's going to be, maybe forever.

pm June: 2023

David Brown: 01:13:24

Amazing. That's beautiful.

Rebbeca Morse: 01:13:28

And that's really what I'd like to now put together, to finally accept and manage and share my journey of epilepsy and brain surgery and recovery.

David Brown: 01:13:43

And how has the art factored into that? Because one of the questions that I had before we started talking was, had you always been an artist or was this something that developed afterwards?

But it sounds like you always had that. So you've always been an illustrator and you've always had that skill, a natural skill for that.

But it sounds like, has that been almost therapy for you after the surgeries, or is that even a more recent thing?

Rebbeca Morse: 01:14:17

You've hit that on the spot. It's been therapy for me, and I just was able to do it even more, the poetry again, years ago.

But I've sort of jumped into different careers, but I've always drawn.

And I've managed to embarrass my daughter when she was in forces with rhyming poetry and, you know, and sending her parcels, which she had to open in front of her sergeant. She said, mother, do not send me any more poems. And Action man dressed up, she said. I said, why is that, darling? Completely inappropriate.

So, yeah, but art has become my therapy even more. And I can literally, every day, and I can sit out and about and something will come.

The words will come, the crazy words will come and they'll rhyme, but they'll mean something. So it is my. Yeah, it's my therapy. And the drawing, when I'm in the right place, the drawing, literally sitting in the station.

I was sitting in the station, the train station, because I. I'm not as. I'm not as impulsive as I used to be. I have now taken myself away on a train just to go and sit at St Pancras station.

And my brain injury lady would call me and say, where are you? I'm in St Pancras. Why are you there? I don't know. Just thought I'd get on a train.

But now when I go, I take myself off down to St Leonard still, even though I won't go back. And that's the other thing. I will never go back. I've never gone back at all since I've had my brain surgery.

So that's something I know would not be a good idea.

But I was sitting at the train station and I wrote a piece saying, the station, we're all waiting for our trains to take us on our journey, going out uptown and maybe into the city and sometimes further away, we're all waiting for our trains. The new world is here. We're oblivious to the updates on the message boards above.

We're never late getting out of our beds, we're all too busy looking downwards instead of distracted by our mobile phones. We're all still waiting for our trains, scrolling down and down and down, our necks bent over, no longer looking around.

We don't see the station signs, we don't hear what they're saying. The information has now been updated. Fortunately, there are no trains running. Why did no one tell us?

Now we are waiting for our trains and sending texts and messages are going to be delayed now. I was waiting to go to St. Leonard's and I just. That just came out by looking at people.

David Brown: 01:17:00

And is the poetry new? Is that something that was new? That kind of came afterwards?

Rebbeca Morse: 01:17:05

Absolutely. This is all bonkers. Yeah. I mean, I did write one. I had a bag lady I met in Oxford when I was waiting for my brain surgery.

But it wasn't really a poem, it was just random words. But now the poetry has become something else. I think it's. I would say it's a gift.

I think drawing and poetry for me is something I am, is one of my grateful things, because I have to remind myself that I'm still alive and I should be grateful. Yeah.

David Brown: 01:17:39

I'm conscious of time a little bit. I mean, we could probably talk. I mean, I have so many questions.

Rebbeca Morse: 01:17:47

I don't.

David Brown: 01:17:48

Honestly, we could talk for hours.

Rebbeca Morse: 01:17:50

This is it. This is how I am. It doesn't stop.

David Brown: 01:17:53

No, it's amazing.

And I sat last night and I actually wrote down a whole bunch of questions, and in one way or another, you've actually answered a lot of them, which has been amazing.

I do want to come back and have another conversation with you more specifically about your art and your project and everything that you want to work on. So we'll do that again at another time, But I would like to start to wrap it up a little bit. I have a couple of big questions for you.

Rebbeca Morse: 01:18:25

Okay.

David Brown: 01:18:26

If you're ready.

Rebbeca Morse: 01:18:27

I'm ready.

David Brown: 01:18:29

I'm just going to read it as I have it written.

Rebbeca Morse: 01:18:31

Okay.

David Brown: 01:18:32

What would you say to the version of yourself from before all this began?

Rebbeca Morse: 01:18:38

Before the brain surgery?

David Brown: 01:18:40

Yeah. What would you say to your.

Rebbeca Morse: 01:18:41

Okay, that's. Yeah.

Do you know, I would say is not to take off and accept and deal with not just the physical recovery of having brain surgery, but the emotional recovery. It's taken me 11 years. The number one would be Dick can have that.

That counseling, that therapy, that recovery journey psychologically, because, yeah, it can create a monster.

And I've been on that journey and that's really vital, actually, because I can see Myself not accepting and not going to the appointments because that euphoria was so massive. I defied it and the denial. So I would say stick. And again, stop, think, act. Yeah, definitely. Definitely stay and recover emotionally. Yeah.

David Brown: 01:19:54

Would you tell your younger self to go to the doctor more?

Rebbeca Morse: 01:19:59

Yeah, I think I should. Would tell myself to listen and do as I'm told. Now there's a question. Oh, man. Yeah. I mean, I've done some crazy things in my life. I mean, but.

But I think. Yeah. To take that advice, because I think it's been exhausting as well for those in the medical profession to deal with something like me.

And it happens to other people as well, I think, especially for me, you know, I think my neurologist has been quite exasperated, and I've had to change when I've moved to different locations to get a continuity of support, and that hasn't always happened. And, you know, I've been exhausting for my family. It's exhausting. So I think. Yeah, that is a lesson learned.

I think if I was to pass that on to my young or somebody else, which is what I hope I can do, is to just. To really be careful. Really be careful. And. Yeah. And to not behave so impulsively.

David Brown: 01:21:08

I can kind of emphasize with you on that we have a lot in common. I've moved around quite a lot and quite impulsively when I was younger as well. So with that part of your story, I can absolutely empathize.

Mine came from a different place, but the effect was the same. And I. I just had this mad desire to not have any regrets when I was older.

So if I thought I wanted to do something, I just went and did it because I'm like, well, I don't want to regret that I didn't do that, you know, when I'm old, whatever that is.

Rebbeca Morse: 01:21:42

Yeah.

David Brown: 01:21:42

And so I. I did a lot of the.

Impulsively leaving, just getting up and going, living somewhere else, staying there for a while, then just impulsively leaving that place and going somewhere else and.

Rebbeca Morse: 01:21:54

Right.

David Brown: 01:21:54

So I had different, I think, underlying reasons for that, but a very similar experience. And I didn't know that about you, obviously, because we hadn't kind of got into that. So that's quite interesting.

And I can see why we were similar spirits in a certain kind of way. Okay, so before we get on, I do want to talk about the art exhibit and some other stuff that's, like, practical coming up in the next couple weeks.

But before we do that, last question. So if somebody listening is going through their own version of this. What would you want to say to them?

Rebbeca Morse: 01:22:30

What would I want to say to them? I would say that every day is a surprise.

And I think that out of all the madness and the chaos, wonderful things happen, too, and it's okay, but it's to be cautious. And for me, writing it down helps me put the brakes on. So I think if somebody else is going through.

And again, I think it's to be open up to the support that is there, but may not be visible. And that's sometimes a bit of a contradiction because, you know, you've had a surgery or you've had a.

You've got a new way of being and you just want to go and live with it. Like you said, like you do you want to live in the moment? I live in the moment now. And I don't. I've had regrets.

If I think I didn't do anything, that would be a regret. But I have to be careful. And I think it would be a good bit of advice to be careful.

But it's going to be okay because I've gone through some pretty mad moments and I'm still here. And again, I mean, I sometimes will write, how's it going to work out? But I know it will.

I didn't think I was going to be here today after getting to know you. I didn't think that there is a possibility of putting all of the work. There were 20 pieces of work and poems together to actually explain it.

So I think I would. Yeah.

David Brown: 01:24:13

Did you say to me when you came in that you let one of your friends know where you were so in case we locked you in a closet, that they would know?

Rebbeca Morse: 01:24:21

Do you know, this is it.

David Brown: 01:24:23

I love it.

Rebbeca Morse: 01:24:24

Yeah, it's great. Yeah. That's what I. And it's a weird.

David Brown: 01:24:27

I thought, I promise we won't lock you in.

Rebbeca Morse: 01:24:28

No. But I thought I literally at the last minute, and I thought I better let somebody know because before, I haven't let anybody know.

I've just done these, you know?

David Brown: 01:24:42

Yeah.

Rebbeca Morse: 01:24:43

Yeah. And that I have an insatiable appetite to still do things that I know I shouldn't be doing. That takes a lot of stop, think, act, you know. Yeah.

David Brown: 01:24:59

It kind of keeps you young at the same time.

Rebbeca Morse: 01:25:02

Well, and I think you're right. And I, you know, I mean, I don't want to keep.

We're closing down now, but I think one of the last pieces where I'm living now is something that is going to keep me going whilst I move, because I don't want to keep your time, but there's just one thing that I put down. Okay. I think I read this out to you. This is where I'm living now again. The worst just came when I'm 90.

Maybe I'll come back here when I'm 90 to live in a retirement flat. Four small rooms, a one bedroom shack. No pets allowed, no feeding birds, not even a rat.

Maybe I'll fit in when I'm 90, when I can't see without my glasses, when I can't hear my TV and I'm as deaf as a post.

Maybe I'll return when I'm 90 to where I was born but never lived with my walking stick and an umbrella ready, my plastic rain hat and my shopping trolley. Maybe I'll die before I'm 90. Never have to come back to live in a home where the elderly get angry and the angry get elderly.

Maybe I won't come back even when I'm 90. Fingers crossed.

David Brown: 01:26:09

I love that one. Yeah, you read that one to me the other day.

Rebbeca Morse: 01:26:12

Yeah. I think that keeps me going, keeps me young. Yeah.

David Brown: 01:26:19

So the charity that you work with does an annual auction, sort of art

Rebbeca Morse: 01:26:25

exhibit, art exhibition for charity to raise money for the National Brain Appeal, but also includes lots of people that not just live with neurological conditions, but it's open to all those that support the National Brain Appeal. Our celebrities, our TV people, our actors, actresses, all sorts of people. Yeah. So it is. It's a wonderful exhibition.

It draws a lot of people together and it highlights the need for research for brain cancers, Parkinson's, MS, all of those other diseases. And it brings. Yeah, and it's. It's a lovely thing to do.

I'm very proud to be part of it and have been since its inception, which was a year before my brain surgery.

David Brown: 01:27:12

And what they do, what this exhibition is about is Everybody contributes an A5 piece of art. Is that right?

Rebbeca Morse: 01:27:21

Yes.

David Brown: 01:27:22

And then they're put up for sale.

Rebbeca Morse: 01:27:24

Yes.

David Brown: 01:27:24

Anonymously?

Rebbeca Morse: 01:27:25

Yes.

David Brown: 01:27:26

So nobody knows you just go and buy the art that you like?

Rebbeca Morse: 01:27:29

Yeah.

David Brown: 01:27:30

If you really enjoy a piece or whatever, you go and buy it and then afterwards they'll put the name of the artist up. Is that the way it works?

Rebbeca Morse: 01:27:36

That's correct. That's right. And each year it has a theme. I can't really. I can't remember the themes. Some of them, the Wonder of Color was a theme I can't remember.

But this year the theme is Spring Forwards. And. Yeah, every piece is. I think now they'll accept an A4, but it's.

Normally it's on an A5 envelope, no framing, and it's all placed around with the theme. Not allowed to sign it on the front to show who you are, but it's on the back. And for example, Polly Dunbar, wonderful author.

Damien Hirst, J.K. rowling, you know, whoever will put something on the back, maybe. And old. The exhibits are auctioned this year. It's 85 pounds per piece of art and that person gets to have a piece of art.

That could be Damien Hirst, it could be Sir Stephen Fry, who always puts in a wonderful thing. It can be Andrew Marr. He had a stroke. He contributes. Anita Mangdon. Stephen Mangdon, her husband. It can be any. Yeah, so that's the idea.

And it has become hugely successful. Where we started, when I first was aware of it, there were 200 exhibits at the Oxo Tallow Gallery in South Bank.

I was saying to Angus, now, this year, I think there are 850 pieces of work. We're now at the Gallery different in Soho on Percy Street. And yeah, it's a wonderful event to see and be part of.

And there have been times in my post brain surgery where I haven't been physically able to. I've always entered, but I've never. Sometimes I haven't been able to go because I just. My brain just was not. And a lot of people are like that.

But it's. Yeah. So we have a VIP evening. Nobody's allowed to purchase anything. So that's the 23rd of March.

So you get all your wonderful people and all the actors and TV people will come. I've got Nikki Chapman, she's had brain surgery. She's going to be there. And then the 24th this year, it's for five days and all items are for sale.

David Brown: 01:30:03

And then I'll be there Tuesday.

Rebbeca Morse: 01:30:05

Fantastic.

David Brown: 01:30:06

I'm going to go on Tuesday.

Rebbeca Morse: 01:30:07

It would be amazing. I think you would be in for a treat. I think you'll be surprised. And people's interpretation of the theme can be quite different.

Yeah, it's wonderful and I'm very proud and it's been therapy for me to keep. To be part of it. Yeah, it's great.

David Brown: 01:30:33

Amazing. Well, for those of you who are listening, only if you want to go to the YouTube channel.

If you just search for Life by Misadventure podcast on YouTube, you should be able to find it. And I'll do some images either throughout the episode or maybe at the end of the episode. I'll do some of the examples of Your work, if that's okay.

If you let me do that, of course. And then I'll put some links in the show notes and everything about the exhibit.

rd March: 2026

But then the art, can you purchase it at the gallery or do you need to purchase it all on the website?

Rebbeca Morse: 01:31:22

Both for the launch. There'll be a queue of people. It'll go. I mean the gallery different on Percy street isn't. It's still long, it'll be around the corner.

And yes, you can purchase online the day, the day of the launch and then again on in person when you go and have a look and yeah, you just write your name down, you contribute and yeah. And then when the exhibition has finished, you'll receive your piece of work in a beautiful envelope. Yeah, it's a treasure.

And I was lucky to have Polly Dunbar some years ago. I didn't know it was hers at the time. She wrote the most beautiful message on the back.

And the same with not just those that are living with a neurological condition, for example, but Andrew Ma, TV news reporter, had a stroke, knocked him for six. He was right handed and I think he had it stroke. His drawings are superb.

Nobody will know who his are, but you'll be surprised because you'll get to know everybody's entries but you won't know who they are until it's done.

David Brown: 01:32:28

Until it's done.

Rebbeca Morse: 01:32:29

And then it all goes live and it's on the website. It'll be on Instagram and all the other portals. Social media. Yeah.

So the national brain of Pearl will then expose everybody's work and how much they've raised, which is an incredible amount of money.

David Brown: 01:32:45

Amazing.

Thank you very much for your time and telling your story today because I know you haven't told it to anyone else and so I feel like a huge sense of responsibility to let you get the story out and I definitely want to have you back again. And then maybe as we work more towards your private exhibition that you want to do, we'll come back and maybe talk a little bit more about that.

But again, thank you very much for your time.

Rebbeca Morse: 01:33:10

hank you and watch this space: 2027

David Brown: 01:33:19

All right, bye bye.

Rebbeca Morse: 01:33:20

Bye. Sam.